I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
