ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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