Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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