Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Randomize
