Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
