why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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