I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
