Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Randomize
