More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
