Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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