i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
