u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
