i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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