just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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