I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
