She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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