i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
