You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
These tits shall not be calmed
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