Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
