Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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