Ambien. No doubt about it.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You pole danced in your parka.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Two words: nipple clamps
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