saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
