He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
be right there i have to get my cape
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
