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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize