he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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