My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize