Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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