You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Girls should come with a carfax report
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
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