I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
