Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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