btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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