i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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