You can't special order awesome
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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