Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
