The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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