and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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