She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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