I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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