I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
