I just cut my nipple shaving
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
