I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize