my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
