Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
