WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
