you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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