turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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