Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
