That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
