god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
