1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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