I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
