Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
