How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
