The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
