so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
