omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
