I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
