You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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