Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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