I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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